SPOILER ALERT: This article WILL contain spoilers for both Batman Vs Superman: Justice Assemble…. (wait, no… my bad, I mean Dawn of Justice) and Minor Villains: Assemble (oh no, wait…. I mean Suicide Squad; yes I just used the same gag twice but let’s be honest they kind of used the same premise twice).
However despite the use of the word spoiler, these details about the film’s plots won’t actual spoil the film for you; Warner Brothers managed the spoiling all by themselves (maybe in an effort to cut out the middle man, who knows).
Okay, so I know from this title alone that all you psuedo-nerds reading this are already thinking of a long abusive message to send me detailing how wrong I am and how I have no clue what I’m talking about when it comes to a “true comic book adaptation”.
But before you tell me that I wouldn’t know a good comic book film if it came up to me in red and blue pants and hit me with a baseball bat (you are very welcome for that reference), please just consider my argument before branding me with a Twat Symbol (another beautiful reference, you are again very welcome, these will continue throughout).
Before getting on to my proposal that DC “just stop”, first I would like to take a minute to poke holes in the argument that several of you comic book loyals are sure to throw at me next time we have a human encounter outside of the lovely virtual world we all like to be very aggressive on.
“But Stuart!” you will say, “these films are so true to the source material, you can’t criticise these films as bad comic books films without having read the comics yourself! Have you read the comics, Stuart, have you? HAVE YOU?!”
No, I have not read the comics which these films are inspired by but that doesn’t take away my entitlement to have an opinion on them as films, and comic books films for that matter.
Instead of judging them against the pictures and text on glossy paper, I can instead judge them against other films of the same genre that have been critically and commercially successful.
You don’t often see people running round telling people that they can’t judge films that are “based on true events” as they did not live through the events which function as the source material for these films.
That would be, quite frankly, ridiculous and slowly films about both World Wars and anything pre-1950s would cease to exist as no one would be around to tell everyone that these films are or are not honest to the source material.
So to all you comic book loyalists, I hope you now feel as though your attempt at an argument has had its head exploded within its first few minutes on screen before it has amounted to any real depth (that reference was a bit more laboured, I apologise).
Now onto my main point.
DC films have spent the last few years desperately trying to play catch up with the immense commercial success that is the ever expanding Marvel Universe.
Also having looked into future productions coming from the DC (Wonder Woman, 2017; Justice League, 2017; The Flash, 2018; Aquaman, 2018; a mysterious Batfleck solo film and the list goes on) it seems like they are going to continue to try play catch up with Marvel’s mind boggling multi-storyline universe.
Mainly by shitting out independent superhero movies (possibly an origin story cause don’t we bloody love a good fucking retelling of parents dying or an early life trauma) that will eventually serve as set-up for an ensemble-team movie that will never quite come close to living up to Guardians of the Galaxy or The Avengers Team.
So while DC try to string together one superteam, Marvel are now leaps ahead of the game and currently assembling a team of different established teams (consisting of aliens, superheroes, inhumans and gods….. Oh and a guy with a bow an arrow).
My proposal to DC is why even try.
Why try fight a loosing battle that you will always be 10 steps behind on?
Why try make a live action blockbuster that is both appealing to children in its use of spectacle and exciting for adults with its dark and socially relevant themes when Marvel has already got the formula perfect (See Captain America:Civil War as example)?
Instead, why don’t DC try something different?
Try focusing their funds and efforts and something not yet done before, or something not already being done 3 times a year to a far greater quality.
Even Marvel branched out their speciality in 2014 with the Disney/Marvel production Big Hero 6 (which for the record was better than both Avengers films combined, if you disagree go try tell Mr J his metal teeth made him look silly).
DC should try be creative and find a new way of telling their heroes’ (or villains’, for that matter) stories in a way that doesn’t include a live-action flick putting mainly white actors in colourful costumes in a CGI-enhanced CGI-destroyed famous American city.
They should also try avoid having the threat of the world ending which no one really feels fearful of given the trailer shown before the movie began was for another film in the universe that takes place ON FRICKEN EARTH! (okay, that one was a stab at both Marvel and DC live action films, not you Guardians, I still love you xx).
Whether this be venturing back to the cartoons and giving them a more modern twist (obviously looking at The Killing Joke first to learn what NOT to do) or even coming up with sometime entirely new that doesn’t rely on A-list actors and CGI.
Marvel seemed to have this genre so perfected that no matter how much money or big names DC throw at their films, they will always be playing second banana to the real grown ups.
I don’t know what lies in the future for this universe but I hope and I pray that they take the criticisms in their stride and start making drastic changes.