by Melina Seiler
I have liked boys since I was twelve years old, when my first pubertal symptoms started to show up.
I had no doubts and never thought it could be any different. But four years later things changed.
I met a new girl at school. I was stunned, she was beautiful.
One of the first topics we talked about were sex and boyfriends. One day she asked me: “Do you also like girls?”
At first I didn’t know what to say. I have never thought about it. But in the following months I realised that I was attracted to more than one gender.
I always was, I just hadn’t realised it. There was a reason why I always wanted to sit close to that one girl years ago, and there was a reason why I looked longer than necessary at the boobs of my favourite female singer.
One night at a slumber party with my friends the new girl started to huddle up to me. I felt her body everywhere. After that night, I started sitting close to her every time.
I enjoyed her sitting on my lap or breathing in her feminine smell. She was the first girl I kissed and the first girl I touched.
Still, only in a shy way. She made me realise how I feel about women, but she was only curious and stayed with her boyfriend.
After this month with her, one day it just came to my mind: I am bisexual.
I was so excited about it, so the first thing I did was telling my close friends about it. They all were interested and asked questions. No one judged me or felt uncomfortable. I never was afraid they would see me in a different way or would act differently around me.
Since then I always told people casually about my sexuality.
It’s never the first thing to tell, because it’s not important. I couldn’t care less about who someone loves. It’s never about age or gender, it’s always about people. That’s my life’s motto.
Knowing it is one thing, living with it is completely different. I live in a small town and didn’t know how to meet a girl.
I didn’t know how to identify a girl that likes girls. I always assumed most of them are only into men.
Sometimes I kissed female friends at parties, while playing truth or dare. However, it was only fun for them. They would never do more than kissing.
For me it was always easier to flirt with a man, because I was always afraid to ask girls about their sexuality.
One time I had a big crush on a girl I met during a Summer Camp. She liked me too, but only as a friend. I was head over heels for her. It was hard to not kiss her.
Nothing ever happened but I wished it had. However, meeting her helped me to understand how I can feel.
Sometimes I still don’t know how to meet girls, but sometimes it just coincidentally happens. It was harder when I was a teenager, living in a small town.
Being an adult, living in a big city and having open minded and queer friends makes it easier.
Last year I celebrated CSD (Christopher Street Day) in Hamburg with my friends and it was so much fun.
I wish sexual orientation wasn’t such a big issue anymore. It’s sad to see that the world isn’t open-minded enough in the 21st century.
But there are also good moments.
Once we talked about private topics in our journalism class at university. It was a task the teacher gave us to practise speaking about serious topics. A classmate interviewed me about bisexuality. It was a good talk. Everyone could ask questions, even the teacher did. We all felt fine, no one prejudged and everything stayed the same.
For me bisexuality was never a big deal – I have never had bad experiences. But of course, there are a few things getting on my nerves.
Firstly, girls who want to be cool and pretend to be bisexual only to get boys’ attention. Secondly, boys who just understand: “Great, let’s have a threesome.”
And moreover, people who don’t believe I am attracted to girls. Please hear me when I say: “Yes, I am bisexual, and no, I am not confused or going through a phase.”