I suppose I’m writing this anonymously in case anyone from home sees this.
I’m not ashamed of my sexuality at all, but I guess I just don’t want to talk about it very much with people who have known me for a very long time, and have associated me with the straight identity.
Not that that is the first thing that comes to mind when they think of me of course, seeing as we live in a heteronormative culture already (so the straight identity is assumed anyway).
But I do tell people I haven’t known for very long that I define myself as bisexual.
At university, I’ve just met so many more people who find themselves on the spectrum of sexuality that isn’t 100% straight.
One of my best friends identifies as asexual, and I was super happy for her for finding peace with how she sees herself, as ace. It wasn’t as clear-cut for me though.
All my life I’ve only had crushes on guys. Sure, I’ve recognized the beauty in girls and women, but I’ve never felt an emotional attraction to them.
Yet when I became harmlessly obsessed with one of my favourite actresses, I realised I was very attracted to her, both to her personality that she portrayed in interviews and panels, and to her physical appearance.
So this prompted me to re-examine my sexuality. Yes, I would sleep with a girl if I felt a connection to them. I have kissed a girl before (cue Katy Perry song), and I don’t really see the difference between her lips and the lips of a guy. I just didn’t like her in a romantic way.
I understand this is kind of me rambling now, but this stream of consciousness is an imitation of how I arrived to the conclusion that I was bi; I struggled to get to the point.
Bisexual is an umbrella term; you don’t have to be exactly equally attracted to men and women—or people who identify as both or neither; you can be fluid; you can be only physically attracted, or only emotionally attracted to one, etc.
People don’t always understand the variety in bisexuality.
It seems like a wishy-washy thing you can turn off and on, but of course, that’s not true. What you feel at the time doesn’t determine how you will feel at all other points in the future.
I have felt a tug towards certain girls, and good friends who I get along with really well, and it scares me a bit, because I know they’re straight, or I’m wading into uncharted territory. It’s frightening. So maybe I’ll never act on my attraction to the same sex, but I do acknowledge it.
Maybe someday I’ll stop being so scared and inexperienced—as I am with the opposite sex as well, mind you— but I think I’ll just have to wait and see where life takes me.
That fear constantly makes me doubt my sexual identity, but talking with other people who experience the same thing reaffirms my realisation.
I’m not straight, and that won’t change even if I never become intimate with a woman. Other people—whether they know they have that power or not—don’t get to define who you are.
Sexuality is a wild, misunderstood thing that we’ll never be able to pin down. Throw away the thumbtacks everybody, and revel in your freedom.
I’ll party with you.