In preparation for Freshers Week 2017, let me run down all the people you’ll be sharing a kitchen with.
They leave for their 9am with fancy shoes and perfect hair. They have been featured in The Tab’s ‘Best Dressed on Campus’. You have never seen them in their pyjamas. They are known by what they wear, rather than what they study. “Ah, it’s pink coat girl!”
Stirling University is known for its sports, and that’s why they are here. They’re studying sports science, obviously, and spend any free time pumping those guns in the gym. They’re part of a sports team, though they haven’t played a match for a while ‘due to an injury’. You can find them in Fubar on a Wednesday night.
And bread-stealer. And leftover-takeaway stealer. Everyone knows who it is. But you’ve never caught them, so you can’t prove it. Genius. They haven’t bought any of their own food since the second week.
They go to every single class, are a member of multiple societies, and have a part-time job for good measure. You don’t understand how they can do it and still be at Dusk on a Skint Tuesday. Most likely to be seen co-ordinating a group project.
The Invisible One
They live in your flat, but you only ever occasionally see them disappearing out the door to go to a class. You’ve never spoken to them, and you may not even know their name. Who are they? Nobody knows.
They don’t choose between a Skint Tuesday and a Tiki Thursday – they go to both. They are always hungover and skint. You will see them emerge from their room bleary-eyed at 4pm, and a few hours later they are dressed up and ready for round two. You don’t understand how their liver still functions.
They are friendly, charming, and have slept with almost everyone on your floor. Don’t go there. Just don’t. They are the source of many weepy 3am heart-to-hearts.
This person came to uni not knowing how to use a tin-opener. Their only sustenance is pot noodles and takeaways, plus the occasional meal someone feeds them out of pity. Their Freshers 15 is more like Freshers 30.
They are there to ease the tension between the other flatmates. They are friends with everyone, and are somehow able to rise above all the bitchiness. Everyone wants them as their flatmate for next year.
Simply put, this person is always crying. Whether it’s because of coursework, homesickness, or a falling-out, they are always on the verge of tears and looking for a chat. They spend every weekend at home. They will drop out by Christmas.