A Wookiee’s thoughts on Star Wars

I didn’t watch the Star Wars films in their entirety until I was 20. Shocking, I know. What can I say? Growing up I was part of a family that were more Trekkies than Wookiees.

But that didn’t mean I existed in a vaccuum. I knew that (spoiler alert) Han shot first and Darth Vader is Luke’s father. I just hadn’t got around to, you know, actually watching them.

I had the benefit of having 20 years of accumulated knowledge through memes, jokes and general pop culture. I had practically seen the 14+ total hours of film footage through GIFs alone.

When I finally got around to watching all seven Star Wars (plus Rogue One) I understandably had some thoughts. Here are some of these said thoughts.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

Obviously.

If you haven’t seen the films yet, watch them NOW. If I can do it, so can you.

The Originals

• Honestly, C-3PO and R2-D2 are the best things about these films. I like to think the reason that R2-D2 bleeps is because what he says is fantastically sweary.
• The most chilling part of all seven films is within the first hour. It takes no time at all to show you Luke holding back tears after finding THE CHARRED REMAINS OF THE AUNT AND UNCLE WHO RAISED HIM. It’s seriously grim.
• Luke and Leia are twins who both have the Force (magical powers, essentially). So don’t tell me that they couldn’t have used this to realise they were siblings before they, y’know, kissed. Gross.
• Han and Chewie are the real love story in this franchise. They truly have a bromance for the ages.
• I honestly don’t get why Han shooting first is important. Like, at all.
• I. LOVE. EWOKS. They’re cute, furry and loyal as hell. Like alien teddy bears. I want 10 of them.
• For someone who’s meant to be the baddest bad guy around, Darth Vader isn’t really that… evil. He’s more misguided doing what he thinks is right, and even repents for his son before he dies. What a hero, am I right?

The Prequels

• However, saying that, anyone who can kill cute baby Jedi Younglings must be a little bit evil. The second most chilling part of these films after the CHARRED REMAINS OF LUKE’S AUNT AND UNCLE.
• Jedi fashion is the worst. A rat tail? Come on.
• The problem with putting all of your faith in a “Chosen One” is when he turns out to be a baddie rather than a Jedi Jesus, you look a bit stupid. Don’t worry Qui-Gon Jinn, it could happen to anyone.
• “Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise…?” And it turns out it was Palpatine was the apprentice who killed him. This bit really creeps me out.
• Even a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a nine-year-old Anakin thinks he can hit on Padme, who not only is five years older, but a successful politician. A bit above your station, mate.
• Then 10 years later they are actually together. She is a strong independent woman and great leader, who falls for a whiny brat and ends up dying of a broken heart. Pathetic.
• Say what you will about Jar Jar Binks being a Sith Lord, but my only thought was that I couldn’t make out a single word he said. Not a word. I had to get everything he said translated for me.
• When the going gets tough, the Jedi Masters… go into exile out of shame and watch the world burn around them as Darth Vader takes over. Not exactly helpful.
• It’s taken me six films to realise that there are barely any female Jedi. Why is this?

The New One

• As Finn cradles his dying Stormtrooper friend, splattered with his blood, you realise after six films that they are actually people too. The third most chilling part after the CHARRED REMAINS OF LUKE’S AUNT AND UNCLE (I’m still not over it.)
• Kylo Ren was that guy at school who claimed that “nobody understood him” and wore all black to be ‘edgy’. At least Darth Vader made original fashion choices.
• Though his crossguard lightsaber is pretty cool, I’ll give him that.
• But his real name is Ben? I would have stuck with that. Kylo Ren is a bit posy to be honest.
• Yes, we have a main character who is a female Jedi! Finally!
• And THOSE VISIONS! What do they mean? I can barely wait another couple of months to find out.
• BB-8 is the younger, more adorable brother of R2-D2. I LOVE HIM.
• Yet again the going gets tough, and yet again the Jedi goes into exile out of shame. Nice one Luke.
• Han and Leia having broken up did break my heart a little. Or a lot.
• Seriously, what is it with these movies and people losing hands? It happens so often it almost becomes funny.
  

Total number of hands lost: 15
Total number of Hans lost: 1

Sorry, is it too soon? *Weeps* Cheer up by watching this:

Star Wars: The Last Jedi is due to be released in the UK on December 15. Will I go and see it? Yes. Will I sceptically question every single plot line? Also yes.