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Demisexuality – The Purple Corner – A Braw Column

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Distressed? Alone? Anxious?

Aren’t we all?

This section doesn’t promise to make anything better. However, it is a safe place to connect, vent and feels understood.

You don’t agree with a statement? Comment! You have some advice? Share it!

This is a conversation. And a conversation can’t be one-sided.

I need you!

So, now that the column is explained, let’s jump right into today’s topic, shall we?

Let’s talk about sex, baby! Let’s talk about you and me!

I am 21 years old, and I am a virgin. Very happily so, to be clear. Why you ask?

Firstly, I didn’t notice that this was anything extraordinary until the topic of sex was omnipresent after starting my studies at university.

Do I want to have sex? Am I a virgin because I am hiding?

I never felt the need to go out and explore my sexual needs in that way. Having physical contact with a person that I don’t feel a deep connection to has never been an interest of mine.

Quite the opposite: the thought alone gives me chills all over my body.

One of the reasons might be my dominant control issues, but that is a topic for another article.

The second question that followed my observations was: Am I Asexual then?

I can answer with a definite and strong „No“. I love sex, I love self-pleasure, I love lingerie, I love the conversation around sex, I love to ask my friends about their kinks and desires.

The point that I don’t want to get involved with is having intimate physical contact, myself, with someone that I don’t feel a strong connection to. 

A confused research within the depths of the internet has led me to a term that seems to explain it all:

Vanilla!

Oh no, sorry, that was the result of a different search.

Demisexual is the word that I was looking for.

No need to add that sexuality is a fluid concept. Tomorrow I might be weirdly attracted to a stranger and could like to initiate an adult sleepover if you know what I mean.  

Demisexuality is another term under the wide umbrella of Asexuality.  For context: Asexuality is the lack of sexual interest in general.

While Demisexuality, according to the BBC, applies to people that need an “emotional bond” to develop an attraction.

Finding a label that finally fits can be super relieving.

In general, we have one hundred weird terms for the sexual preferences of one another. Why is this even important in the first place?

If you want me to be honest, I don’t know.

I guess it’s nice to have a label that you can identify with.

I wear a plenitude of labels on my sleeve and use them as armour. Knowing what you are and what you like, gives you strength. An identity.

On the other side, it gives you less flexibility. Even though we know how quickly things can change, there is shame attached to the acknowledgement that a label doesn’t fit anymore. Or has never been the right one in the first place.

I wish we would live in a society where we wouldn’t have to justify ourselves. Sometimes I also wish that I could be someone that doesn’t care that much. But I am not. And that is okay.

Life changes. Feelings change. Labels change. People change.

The only thing that I know for sure is:

Beyoncé is Queen.

That was it for today.

Okay, bye!


Are you interested in more things sexuality? Let us know, so we know that you want us to write about the whole rainbow.

Feature Image Credit: Emine Bahar Bora

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