Sometimes, when we have to do something uncomfortable or that we don’t want to do, we’re told to put on a brave face and just get on with it.
For many neurodivergent people, however, this uncomfortable situation is simply existing socially and having to adapt to a world that isn’t designed for them.
This has come to be known as ‘masking’.
To me, there are several levels to the masks I wear. Some are consciously donned while others are so critical to my survival that they’ve become an unconscious process.
This constant masking is incredibly draining, I can’t remember a single school day where I didn’t have to immediately come home, crash, and recharge (as I referred to it).
In recent years, however, I have found that my energy has flipped, and I now have overwhelming amounts of energy as often as I have none.
This has brought its own issues when it comes to masking, and I am terrified that I can’t control it as I can barely keep up with my own thoughts enough to mask them.
When I get these massive spikes in energy it’s a strange feeling as the energy is great and can be a lot of fun, but equally, it can easily run over, which leads to me inevitably coming off as annoying and obnoxious.
It took me a while to realise how I was coming off and I still really struggle to put the brakes on in these situations.
The worst part is that I really don’t want to have to mask these feelings as they honestly make me feel great.
When I’m high on my own energy I don’t have to think about how uncomfortable the lights are, I don’t fixate on the future, and I don’t replay every conversation again and again and again in my head.
But I just can’t exist like that, it’s not sustainable.
I know that, eventually, the energy will result in me either burning myself out or annoying everyone to the point where I become completely isolated all over again. More likely than not, it will be both.
This brings me back to the necessary evil of masking. For the good of myself and others, I know that I need to push down a part of myself that I love.
Sure, I can unmask sometimes with people that I trust and that I know can deal with me at my most chaotic but that will never be much more than a cameo at this point.
The disheartening fact is this is how it’s always been and it’s the way it’s probably going to stay, but it doesn’t have to be quite so soul-crushing if you don’t let it.
Those times that you find yourself comfortable enough to drop your mask, embrace them! Revel in every second that you can be truly authentic with the people you care about and don’t think about when you inevitably have to put your walls back up.
It may only be a brief, brilliant moment but that just makes it all the more special.
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