My days have started the same way for two months: I wake up at 9am, leave my bed after ten minutes of forcing my legs to step on the carpet below them, and then I sit down at my desk to write – except most mornings nothing comes out.
I’ll sit for hours staring at the same transcription file in a doomed hope that my mind will force my hands to type something. The most I’ll get is a sentence, a paragraph if I’m lucky.
“Come on Connor it’s not that bad, just go get some fresh air.” I imagine that’s what you’re thinking to yourself right now. Aye, alright. But when my every waking thought is consumed by the last tab slowly burning itself onto my monitor forever – it’s hard to truly disconnect.
My desk is swallowed by a range of tech that begs to be used at all times. An Ipad my partner kindly gave to me to complete the last hurdle of my university work peers at me from behind its covered black screen. The PC I got fixed in January hums and changes colour in its panelled cage, and my monitor glows an angry white from the blank pages begging to be filled. How do you disconnect when all your brain wants to do is connect?
Have I got an answer for that? No. I’m asking a lot of questions but not giving you any answers – how selfish is that?
What I’ve got to give is a simple thought that has got me this far in the last four years – if I just keep pushing forward, regardless of what’s stopping me, maybe I’ll break some new ground.
It’s a lesson in insanity, but it’s one I’ve learned to adapt to. If I could get through that Law and Government essay in third year, then I’m pretty sure a measly 10,000 word journalism project can’t stop me.
Understanding my issue hasn’t made it easier to work around it this semester though. The lack of incremental deadlines has left me feeling more relaxed when waking up in the morning – if I don’t get something today then that’s ok, I’ll do more tomorrow.
Now there’s only a few weeks left of my project, and university as a whole, but I’ve not got enough done to feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ve written a few drafts for sure, but those drafts are about as bland as they get.
But I’ve got to keep pushing through. If I don’t finish this project then what was the point in going to university at all? That’s another question, at least it has a simple answer.
For now what I’ve got is a few more white pages, and I hate to leave a page blank.
This article formed part of BRAW Magazine Issue 5: Mind, Mood, Mentality. You can read more of Issue 5 here.
Featured Image Credit: Microsoft Word Document