Fears and self-doubt are things that every person faces on a daily basis. From kids trying to fit in on the playground, to teenagers trying to fit into made up beauty standards and ever-so-time-fitting trends, to adults wondering if they’re doing everything right. Everybody faces it.
This is no different for me. And since starting my university career in September 2024, I’ve learned a lot about myself and coping with these fears, while also trying to figure out who I am.
My transition to university was an unexpectedly difficult one. Sure, I knew I would miss my pets and my parents (especially my horses) but no one tells you about the everyday things that seem so simple but become a real struggle when you’re on your own.
Overwhelmed with more coursework than expected, emotions through the roof, homesickness like I didn’t know what, and entirely new surroundings and people to adapt to. I felt as though I was entirely in over my head and not cut out for university life.
However, like all humans beings I have somewhat of an ego and something to prove (to myself and everyone I know). I am making the effort every day to continue to build myself up to be a contributing member of society.
Coming to university
I had been looking forward to coming to the University of Stirling for a long time. Ever since I came to the open day the year before I knew it was where I wanted to go. It’s near enough to the city to be involved in things but the campus itself is isolated enough and so full of nature for it to keep me connected and grounded to my ‘absolutely nowhere near a city person’ roots. It’s also close enough for me to be near the mountains and little did I know this would have a greater impact on my life than I had expected.
Like everyone, I wanted to join a society, and I had always enjoyed being around the mountains. While most kids were taking holidays to Tenerife or some other tropical trip abroad, my parents took me to Glencoe every single year without fail. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I thought that this was a good way to stay connected to that side of me, and the campus is perfect for it, however I never expected to face as many physical and mental challenges as I have so far. It is certainly a challenging sport, but one I have found to be a great coping strategy, and I have met many friends and gained many new skills through the USMC (University of Stirling Mountaineering Club).
My doubts
The skills I have learned since joining the USMC have certainly evolved me as a person. I’ve learned patience and how to better adapt to things in a short space of time as making last-minute decisions has never been something I’m any good at. I like a fixed plan that doesn’t have the chance to change.
However, this is hardly ever the case in real life, and certainly not the case in mountaineering. The mental balance and emotional stability I get from my time thinking about life while in the hills will always be the facet of mountaineering that means the most to me. And it will always matter more to me that I am proud of myself after the hikes rather than how fast I do them.
However, I was under the impression – for longer than I’d like to admit, that I was slow in terms of hill walking and that this was a bad thing. My pace is significantly slower than that of my friends and certainly more so than that of the more experienced members of the club. However, my brain had it straight that this was a negative thing and that it was hindering to those out on the hill with me. When actually, I’ve found there are arguably more benefits to being the slower walker.
Yes, I won’t deny that it gets lonely from time to time, watching my friends find the same action as me so significantly easier and feeling like I’m hindering the group or making things irritating for the others by slowing them down or making them wait. However, it took a certain kind of mentality and experiences both within hillwalking itself and in my own personal life to realise that actually these things were not true, and that I have every right to be on the mountain and in the club as anyone else.
Who cares if my journey started in September and if I take longer to get up a mountain? The point is it started, and I won’t be backing down any time soon.
Wintermeet
The USMC has placed a plethora of incredible opportunities in front of me that I have held onto with both hands. One of these incredible opportunities was the biggest trip of the year in the club: Wintermeet. I wasn’t convinced I was skilled enough with my summer hillwalking never mind learning how to use an ice axe and crampons. – and going up a large, steep mountain in knee-deep snow for 8+ hours a day. I wanted the skills to go out in winter to see the beauty that Scotland has to offer all year round and appreciated being able to do it through a guided skills day.
Though the day was incredibly arduous, it was outstandingly rewarding. I improved more on the skills I already had and gained new skills in new areas. This I am proud of. However, the guided winter skills day was only the first of eight long and difficult days of the trip. I was surrounded by people who were far fitter and more experienced than I was. And it wasn’t long before that feeling of being outclassed and not belonging began to creep back in which I faced when I first joined.
I knew that I would have to take more rest days than everyone else. My original plan was to do four hill days and have three rest days, however, this did not work out the way I wanted to as I ended up only doing two hill days and leaving a day early as I ended up sick.
When it came to be the final day that I could have done a hill day, there wasn’t anyone on the trip I could have gone with. Plans were made, none were adapted, and I was left alone. The trip left me feeling more defeated than triumphant as I know I put more into it than what I got out of it. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity, and I learned a lot from the trip.
However, I felt like I would never be able to go on another hike with anyone without feeling like an annoyance for my pace and lack of experience and ultimately, it knocked my confidence. Though, despite this, I don’t plan on backing down.
Where I know now
What I’ve learned is that growing up is hard. Trying to remember to really live while also just learning how to survive on your own is difficult. Things can cloud our judgment and we can so easily lose the ability to think straight. But for me, knowing I have people in my corner who are willing to help me and stand by my side even when things get difficult is what makes everything worth it.
This year so far has been a challenging one, but I’m excited for what other adventures (outdoors and otherwise) I’ll face. And what new things life will throw at me, and thanks to the wisest soul I’ve ever known, I know to grab onto with both hands and not back down.
Featured Image Credit: Amelia Fryer
