“Joey, you can’t just grab some girl and expect her to be your girlfriend. You have to be friends first. You have to build a foundation.” Chandler Bing, Friends Season seven Episode three.
Friends to lovers is a well-versed, beloved trope in popular media. From Monica and Chandler to Jake and Amy to Jim and Pam, there are stacks of successful, albeit heterosexual, examples out there.
But what is it actually like? Can love like that exist? And is it worth the risk of your friendship?
Having romantic feelings for a friend is a confusing, terrifying experience. You find yourself experiencing a skipped heartbeat accompanied by deep nausea rolling through you. You’ll be sneaking stolen but subtle looks throughout the blessed curse of their close presence in your life. The emotions are hard to interpret. It doesn’t matter if it’s a heterosexual situation or LGBTQ+ – either way, the feelings of falling for a friend are consistent. It takes courage, bravery, love, and every sappy adjective you can pull out of the thesaurus to confront those feelings, confess those feelings, and risk everything you’ve built together to keep heading skyward.
Most importantly, you have to consider the feelings of the other person. Upgrading to something more intimate than friendship comes with a messy, complicated, and unique pile of pros and cons. It’s completely terrifying. There’s no guidebook – and I can’t write you one. Every situation is entirely unique, a single snowflake – fresh, new, and easily lost. There will be hurdles in the shape of anything and everything: a gone-but-not-forgotten one-night stand, coming out (or not) as LGBTQ+, other friends who could be impacted, confused queer friendships…the list goes on.
I was lucky to face only a few hurdles with my partner. I had moved to a new country and knew nobody – his kind face and actions welcomed me to Scotland, and we became fast friends. Best friends, even. We stayed this way for months, both quietly feeling something more but far too embarrassed to fess up – I was also busy exploring my gender identity and various labels, which definitely set us back some time. It took nine months of friendship before making anything official, but I can say that it was worth the wait: four years on, and we’re still going strong.
It happened gently. A brushed hand, a subtle compliment. More movie nights, inside jokes, and consistent texting. It was probably a pain in the arse for our other friends, and for that, I can only apologise. You know what, it was bloody awkward – trying to find each other’s hands, muddling through learning deeper parts of each other both emotionally and physically and trying not to laugh (unsuccessfully) through that initial intimacy.
Having now watched my two best friends fall in love at university, I can appreciate the true beauty and luck that comes with upgrading from friends to lovers. One friend has opened up like a flower, finally in a relationship that appreciates her for who she is. The other has never smiled and laughed so much. They are giddy in ways that I never knew they could be – that’s what being friends first can do. Their understanding of each other is almost complete, and they’re only a few months in. It’s magical for them and unfortunately for me as I do share a bedroom wall with them…
Being friends first builds unwavering, sturdy foundations to hold through the worst earthquakes. But the first earthquake is asking. It’s grasping their hand. It’s telling the truth. You have to be sure, but brave; friendship is one of the most valuable relationships. Think: have you noticed your feelings being reciprocated? Is there some unnamed energy between you two? It can’t be one-sided – it takes two people to build a relationship, friendship or other, and so observing, noticing, appreciating, and understanding each other is step one and always will be.
There is no rule book except for the one that you write yourself.
Braw Magazine has a whole section for sex and relationships. Check it out here!
Featured Image Credit: Pexels.com
Journalism student at the University of Stirling & BRAW Magazine editor 24/25 and 25/26 🙂
You can see my portfolio here: https://www.clippings.me/alicepollard
