Navigating sex can be a daunting experience, full of anxiety surrounding self-discovery. There is an expectation when starting university to explore your sexual identity and even to find someone to develop a relationship with. Discovering what you like and what you don’t can be equally exciting as you learn more about your body, whether solo or with a partner. This article is based on my experiences as a young queer woman; a glimpse into what I have learned in my relationship through having such a patient and hilarious partner, who has allowed for a relaxed exploration of intimacy between us.
Whether it be gawping at Anne Hathaway in what are meant to be horrendous outfits in The Devil Wears Prada or a dream about someone you know, figuring out that you like women as a woman can be terrifying. When you are trying to balance the demands of university with these emotions, being infatuated by your first proper connection with someone is overwhelming. However, with the right person, it can also be the best time.
There is a huge stigma around talking about forms of sexual exploration, both in and out of couples, and I honestly think these conversations need to be normalised. The use of sex toys, for example, can make anyone feel incredible, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. They can create the most intense moments and also be a total laugh. For me, they have allowed boundaries and desires to be talked through easily with my partner, as we have become more vulnerable. They are such a learning curve, so having someone that I am comfortable enough with to laugh off a vibrator accidentally hitting full speed has certainly been half the battle.
There are different kinds of toys for various uses, so it can be difficult to know where to start. Vibrators and dildos are the two main types that can be used to increase sexual pleasure. You might want to purchase one yourself to explore your body, or purchase and use them with a partner, or both! There is no correct answer!
Vibrators use vibrations of various speeds and patterns to stimulate erogenous zones on the body. They come in many shapes and sizes; some are designed for a particular area, and others are more general.
Dildos are designed for penetration and can be used vaginally or anally, depending on the design.
As per the title, a strap-on is a dildo that is attached to a harness, worn around the waist and hips. It lets one partner use the dildo to have penetrative sex with their other half. They can be used by any gender and come in so many styles to fit all body types and preferences. Coming from someone who isn’t entirely sure of their gender identity, strap-ons are so empowering and allow for fluidity of roles.
Using a strap-on on your partner is great, especially when you just get lost in making the other person feel good. However, the penetration can only be felt by one person, and this can occasionally make me feel a bit disconnected. I love it when we are both able to feel at the same time, as it allows for more tender and intense moments. This is when strapless strap-ons come in, which are designed for penetration without a harness. Instead, they usually have two ends. One goes inside the wearer and is held in place by their pelvic muscles, and the other end is used to penetrate their partner. These sex toys allow for a more natural, body-to-body experience, and I find them so gender-affirming.
Introducing any of these sex toys can take a lot of trial and error, and it’s okay if they are not what you expect the first time around. It might take a bit of experimentation to find how you like to use them.
My main piece of advice would be to start simple. Purchase small, easy-to-use toys (such as a bullet vibrator or a small dildo) to explore what feels good without overwhelming yourself. There are toys designed for stimulating different areas, and as you become comfortable, you can try different styles and sensations to see what suits you. Stop if something is ever painful or makes you feel uncomfortable! Knowing that I can just say when something isn’t right to my partner, or vice versa, is so reassuring and is extremely important when you are in a relationship. She never makes me feel embarrassed or think that there is something wrong with me. Everyone has different preferences!
If you are using a vibrator, start with slower vibrations and work your way up through the settings. Don’t worry if you feel sensitive to them at first; place them around erogenous zones rather than directly on them.
Similar advice for dildos and strap-ons: start small! You can get sets designed for first-time users, and as you get more comfortable, you can work your way up in size.
Use lubricant! Lube makes everything easier, especially for penetration. Water-based lube is the most popular for several reasons. It’s compatible with most toys, it doesn’t stain bedsheets, it’s great for sensitive skin, and it washes off easily.
Clean your sex toys before and after use with a mild soap and warm water to avoid any chances of bacteria building up.
Stick to body-safe materials such as medical-grade silicone, ABS plastic, and stainless steel. Avoid using toys that do not list their materials clearly!
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to sexual exploration, and that’s what makes it so uniquely exciting.
Whether it’s experimenting with sex toys on your own or learning how to communicate desires in a relationship, the journey can be both deeply intimate and loads of fun. Most importantly, it’s okay to take your time. With patience and open communication with your partner, or just a bit of personal curiosity, you can create an experience that feels right for you.
Image Credit: Deon Black via Pexels.com
Film and Media student at the University of Stirling!
