October 5, 9pm, breakdown number 15. Stirling University.
My boyfriend sits on the other side of the screen, helpless because there is nothing that he can do to fix this, or anyone, for that matter. I look outside my window at the beautiful green view, which feels welcoming and strange all at once.
It’s been one month since I moved in. I traded sunny Greece for melancholic Scotland, like many of you traded your hometown and all its familiarities for this small town and its lessons. Good old Stirling, how wondrous you are.
Postgraduate or undergraduate, if you are an international student, we all share a similar experience and perhaps a similar loneliness.
I was so excited before I came here. Imagine I got my Brig and SUDS membership before I even booked my tickets. I was naming endless lists of things I was gonna do the moment that the airplane landed.
“How on earth will you manage it all?” asks my friend.
“I wanna live as much of it as I can,” I say confidently, while writing down ‘visiting the highlands’ and highlighting it. So driven, so sure of everything I was gonna accomplish only in the first few months.
Fast forward. September 10, Airport Gates. 6am. Breakdown number 1.
I swallow my tears as I walk through security because they have to examine my face. How embarrassing for the guard to see me sobbing. I look at the security camera, tighten my jaw. The doors open and I move forward. So does my mother, way more composed than me.
September 10, 8am. I’ve been on a plane for four hours, but now I have to get used to a new time zone, two hours behind.
A lady yells at me at the airport because I asked for help while she was talking to someone else. I can’t even find my Uber. Uber comes and it’s too small to fit the 25 years of life I packed in four suitcases to bring with me. £8 cancellation fee.
I book another one, twice the price, £90 down. It’s been barely half an hour, Breakdown number 2.
My mother sees me crying, I get angry with her because I can’t even begin to explain how I am feeling.
Eventually, we get to Stirling. I feel like a tourist, like I am on vacation but without the excitement. It’s only 9am but feels more like afternoon already for me, and we can’t even check in yet because hotel allows it only after 12pm.
I’m struggling to hold on to the tears while we wait. Eventually we get to our room. We sleep. Well, my mother does. I am going through breakdown number 3.
September 11, moving day.
We carry all four suitcases with us, unpack and fill the wardrobes. Is this my room? My room? Is this my house? I feel like an overstepping guest. I can’t sleep here, what if I snore loudly and I wake my flatmates? What if I take up too much space in the kitchen or the bathroom? Wait, how much is too much— Breakdown number 4.
I sleep in my mother’s hotel for two more days, although all my stuff at that point was in my accommodation. Avoidance is a talent and I am a master at it.
September 13th, I have just dropped my mother at the airport. My bus won’t be here for another two hours. The website doesn’t work so I can’t use the student discount. My battery is dying. My mother has left me a letter saying how much she will miss me. Do not breakdown in the airport Ioanna, what a cliche, I think.
The bus comes and I sit by the window. I am so hungry. The bus reaches Stirling, I run to B STANCE, outside of Pizza Hut and I miss the Unilink. Very hungry still. I order potatoes from Pizza Hut, they take ages to cook, almost miss another bus. I reach the accommodation, sweaty, tired, impatient. Breakdown number 5.
I get in the shower before I do anything else. I get back in my bedroom, breakdown number 6 and my journey begins officially.
Who am I? How do I fit in all of this? Is my accent too strong? I grew up watching UK shows, I can’t make sense of anything they are saying. Do I get a gym membership? My flatmates are nice. Am I supposed to be friends with them? Do we share kitchen stuff? Maybe not… Ugh, there’s no bathroom mat. Breakdown.
SUDS and Brig societies are on the same day? I missed both, I didn’t know they already started. SUDS are doing a Greek play, I should audition. Breakdown.
NISA is expensive. How will I carry all these things from Tesco? Fubar kinda terrifies me. So, did we all have that same experience with the older guy in that club? Forgot to buy oil and salt and flour, how will I cook? I’ll order it online. Student life moves quick. Breakdown.
Cool, Amazon gets everything here in one day. I got a part in the play, oh my God. Rehearsals every day, 6 to 10. My sister is here. I am happy but she wants to walk all over Edinburgh and Glasgow. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Breakdown.
Long distance is really hard. Did my first class, the classmates were nice. I didn’t sleep at all the night before. Craving my mama’s cake right about now. Two books to read, three essays to do, week one. Breakdown.
I love the people here; everyone is so kind. Love the library, love the walks. There are two deers on my back yard. I am content. I used to eat this back home. Is Dad ok? Mum? What are they doing? Craving my grannies homemade pasta. My bed feels different—wait that’s not my bedroom, right I moved, sorry. Breakdown.
We went to a pub, played disco bingo—that’s not bingo. Breakdown
Karaoke. My lungs hurt from laughing. Beer tastes different here. Breakdown.
I started the gym. I went out. I’ll stay in. Coffee tomorrow? I have to find a job. It’s cold. I’ll cook. I’ll stay in my flat… my flat.
October 5, 9pm, breakdown number 15.
My boyfriend sits on the other side of the screen, helpless because there is nothing that he can do to help me.
I have a routine now. It looks nothing like the one I made before I came here but it works. I am settling in. I breathe more. Take my time to absorb everything. I still have a lot to deal with, but life here is slowly shaping around me, and I am shaping around it.
Class at 11. Lunch at 3. Theatre at 6. Drinks at 10. Breathe.
I wrote my first article for Brig. I’m acting on stage as I’ve always dreamed. I am learning to live alone. Breathe.
I am not a stranger in my life; I am an explorer, discover new things every day about this little town. Haven’t been to Bridge of Allan yet. I might do next week. Breathe.
I realize in between all my breakdowns, there are these groundbreaking views on the campus. I take it all in. Breathe.
I am adapting. It’s a process. Breathe.
If you are struggling, it’s ok. It’s a process. Breathe.
People are a creation of their environments. You are a creation of your language, your family, your traditional dish and your street. Taken away from those things and you might feel like you are floating at first until you shape around the new environment you’ve been placed in.
That’s not to say you are being recreated, you are evolving and evolving takes change and change, more often than not, is terrifying.
If you find yourself relating to any of the panic paragraphs above, take a breath, write down all the things you love about this new place you’ve settled in, all the things you wanna do.
Most international students I’ve spoken to have shared their terrifying beginnings half-laughing and they always finish with “but you know… I am happy to be here.” They take their coffee in the morning from SUP and attend their lectures, proud of checking in every time (also terrified about being deported if they miss one). Stepping out of their comfort zone, some easier than others. But even if you are struggling, breathe, it’s a process. Everyone does it differently.
You will eventually find your favourite coffee shop and your group of people. Academic life is such a deep factor of who we are, especially if you are an undergraduate. Not because of the grades and the papers but mostly because of the choices you make, the people you connect with halfway around the world from where you met your first best friend.
Don’t pressure yourself, trust your intuition. Remember you are not the only one.
If you haven’t taken up any societies, look at the international one or one that speaks to your interests and if you need help remember the University offers a hand to all of us who feel estranged.
Lastly, remember you can feel proud and terrified at the same time.
Featured image credit: Ioanna Lagonika
