As Britain’s favourite Christmas sweet box continues to reduce the number of sweets while raising the price, we are forced to face the important questions: How would each sweet perform in the traitors? What novel were they obsessed with as a child? What is their favourite Dungeons and Dragons class? And most importantly, why am I being mean to sweets?
The Creams
Strawberry Cream
Too sweet, will never tell you how they really feel because they think they are being nice, but actually, she is the worst. The Strawberry cream wears fuzzy socks, and Princess Dream School was their favourite Barbie movie growing up, no questions asked. This quality street is like a BuzzFeed quiz, and she’s an apologetic but bad flatmate.
Orange Cream
The orange cream is your classic middle child, attention-seeking and loud. This Sweet has all the fakeness of its sister but with a desperate want to be the orange crunchie. This is a sweet who thinks they can win the Hunger Games but can’t, only reads books they found on TikTok and thinks that they are the pomegranate girlfriend.
The Boring Ones
Toffee Penny
She wears a puffer vest, calls it a gilet, has a walking stick and a thermos of tea at all times, and tells you stories from the war that are not that exciting. She doesn’t know what The Traitors is or who Claudia Winkelmen is, has never played Dungeons and Dragons, but would be a druid, and read Narnia religiously as a child when it first came out.
Toffee Stick
The Toffee Stick is the Toffee Penny, but a few years younger and has driving gloves.
Fudge
No, I don’t like it, and I don’t have it in me to be kind, and it’s not inspirational enough to be bitchy.
Chocolate
Simple, beautiful study. Not the most exciting, but it gets the job done. When the green one walks into the room, you’re not unhappy to see her; she’s just there. She read dystopia in 2014, but has since evolved to books exclusively written by women. She would be killed by the Traitors late on because she’s a solid, faithful person, and it would shake everyone up. This sweet has one fantastic signature bake, and it’s a banana cream pie, no questions asked.
Coconut
Coconut is trying to be something it’s not and failing. Not quite reaching the expectations for it, it’s your older sister trying to be your mum, but she never took on that role growing up and is not very good at it. Coconut is defensive and on a short temper, mostly because she cares, but also because she knows that she’s a fraud. Realistically, Dungeons and Dragons does not fit into the narrative she has built about herself, and so she does not play.
The Best Ones
The Purple One
The purple one believes that she is that bitch, she knows that she’s just hazelnut flavoured, but she insists on everyone calling her the purple one – theatre kid behaviour if I ever did see it. She read Diary of a Whimpy Kid, Harry Potter, and Percy Jackson, but hasn’t picked up a book in months. The purple one exclusively plays a Bard but doesn’t realise that it’s not a Class that is very effective in combat and finds DnD fights really frustrating.
Green Triangle
Overhyped and proud, the green triangle is the Taylor Swift of the Quality Streets, not like other girls but exactly like other girls. She thinks she is one step above you, not ahead of you, above, and we are just giving her that pedestal. She loves Twilight but hasn’t read the books, she plays a rogue or sourcerer because she likes a solo story and is always aiming to be the centre of attention.
Orange Crunch
This is my favourite, but I have gone down the path of insults, and so I will remain on the course. The orange crunchie is like the green triangle above you, not because we put it on the pedestal, but because it is standing over the Orange cream, smiling down as she blocks the light from the creams. She proves the fruit haters wrong, rumbles with the Terry’s chocolate orange and loses but puts on a fantastic show.
Featured Image Credit: Spencer Haynes
Spencer is a 3rd Year History and English student interested in library science, baking, and storytelling.
