Agony Auncle: How do I navigate sex as a non-binary person?

3 mins read

Content warning: this article discusses sex.

Question: Hello! I’m non-binary and want to try out having sex with people with a penis. How do I as a non-binary person do this? I know it sounds silly but I fear that people will just see me for my genitals and not for who I actually am? What do I do?

Answer: Hi! From one non-binary person to another, I totally get where you’re coming from here. I’m sure many other non-binary people can relate too; I don’t think it’s silly at all.

People only ever seeing you as the gender you were assigned at birth is frustrating at best and depressing at worst. It’s even worse when this happens during sex. Being reduced to your genitals is dehumanising, no matter your gender. It’s a very valid fear to have.

First of all, you could try only sleeping with other queer and trans people. They’ll be more likely to understand and accept your identity. This does however narrow your dating pool considerably, especially if you live in a smaller city such as Stirling.

Try out inclusive or queer dating apps. In my opinion, Tinder is the worst app for non-binary people. Whilst they have a range of gender options to choose from, immediately afterwards you are asked if you’d like to be included in searches for men or women. What’s even the point of having all the options in the first place then?

No matter what, do not give anyone your time or energy if they refuse to accept you for who you are. You deserve so much better than that.

It’s also not your job to educate people about your identity. Seriously, it’s 2022 and some people still don’t know what non-binary means? Google is free.

When it comes down to actually having sex, discuss your boundaries beforehand. Do gendered terms make you uncomfortable in the bedroom? Are there certain body parts you don’t like to be touched because of dysphoria? Make sure you talk to your partner about this so you’re both comfortable. And of course, always ask for consent and use a condom if your partner has a penis!

Good luck, have fun and stay safe!

-Agony Auncle

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, just a student giving out advice for fun. I don’t claim any responsibility for the outcomes of the situations submitted to me.

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Featured Image Credit: Ciara Tait

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Film, media and journalism student. I like writing about my inability to eat gluten.

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