Welcome back to Player Profiles. This time, Brig chatted to Millie Lavelle, the creator of H.E.I.S.T RPG, about their experiences in the world of tabletop games.
When asked for a one-line description, Millie responded with typical wit: “Secret hippy disguised as an angry goth who pretends to be an adult.”
And when pressed, they balk. “When folks ask me this question, I always have some sort of existential moment of dread, actually who am I? I’m still working this out, to be honest. Right now, I’m a soon-to-be 43-year-old with a muddled background of retail, broadcasting, art, and reading stories.”
Millie spent several years running a board game café and is now the community manager for the UK Games Expo (UKGE).
When we talked about Millie’s childhood, board games factored heavily for a few reasons. The childhood joy of spending a summer playing Cluedo and the fallout of discovering a group cheat, and the gimmicks that were able to delight the fickle taste of 12-year-olds. Including a board game called Nightmare with a VHS component, the earliest of the app-supported games.
Millie also highlighted the way games were a uniting force and a leveling of the playing field. There was no need to know what was happening in the soaps or to keep up with boyband drama – with a board game, “everyone at the table had something in common to start talking about. Board games, analogue gaming, tabletop gaming whatever you choose to call it, it still has that appeal for me”.
There’s a bit of sneaky joy in testing new pronouns via the character you’re playing or being a different type of person, and that gives confidence.”
Millie Lavelle
Content warning: the next two paragraphs mention domestic abuse.
Board games were a way Millie kept their head above water during a difficult and violent childhood. Sleepovers were prohibited and it was hard to talk about TV shows when the TV was a frequent target of a physically aggressive stepdad.
“Stuff with ‘value’ would be the main target for my stepdad, a way to punish and control us, either by being destroyed or sold. Board games, however, were just plastic and card, cheap things, they had no value to him. Board gaming was a complete escape from home and a safe activity, and stuff I got to keep.”
After the domestic violence Millie experienced escalated and ended in tragedy, they moved “up North” to be with their remaining family. They tried getting involved with the RPGs happening in college but found the community to be very “90s teenage boy” “-centric. But, they did eventually find a new RPG group to play with that made things fun again.
We talked about how the thread of gaming has stayed with Millie over the years and how as someone who came out as non-binary in their thirties after having children, gaming was a part of their journey.
“I certainly think TTRPGs certainly help you form, or discover, who you are. There’s a bit of sneaky joy in testing new pronouns via the character you’re playing or being a different type of person, and that gives confidence.”
They said that it was “too big” to say the gaming community at large supported them, but “they didn’t limit who I could be, and the folks I game with are always excited to play games with me, even when I’m at my most Eeyore. Also just playing for fun is important, even as an adult, when all the things you’re supposed to be doing have to be ‘adult-y’ is almost punk as… it’s just punk to play for the joy of it”.
Millie started volunteering for the UK Games Expo ten years ago as part of the 200-strong team needed to make the UK’s biggest board game convention happen annually.
“Going as a volunteer meant I would have something to do if no one wanted to play games with me. I know, it sounds a little odd to think a then 33-year-old was still worried about people picking them last, or not being cool enough to join in, but I was.”
Despite some cliques among the volunteer team, Millie found them to be mostly lovely, helpful, and welcoming.
“I ended up running the seminars for UKGE, and this year I was employed full-time as Community Manager. I’m one of the six staff who keep the UKGE engine running outside of the show weekend. It’s a real shift in culture from my other jobs, it’s the first company that I’ve worked for that I actually feel supported at. That folks I’m working with, and the community around me want me to do well. There’s a little part of me that keeps thinking it’s a trick, but honestly, I’m living the dream,” they said.
Representation In The Community
When asked about their experience of the community as someone outside the norm, I might have put my foot in my mouth a little.
“Ooft, right in the feels with the ‘bit older’ part there! There are absolutely parts of the community that aren’t as welcoming as others, and it’s in a variety of ways too. I remember that most folks assumed that I just worked at Dice & Donuts and that one of the guys I employed was the real owner.
“[I was] told to ‘just make the coffee’ by a guy when talking to an actual customer about RPGs. I’ve live-streamed TTRPGs and had comments on how my voice is too high, or annoying, but when I hosted a radio show for years, I never had those comments. It’s frustrating, but getting less, and I’m less bothered about it. There certainly is a point where I’ve started to give less of a hoot about what people think and put more energy into my own joy.”
This led the conversation into the industry at large and representation within it. Millie’s take is that part of the joy of RPGs is how you can create whatever character you like. “It’s accurate and enough for me, and I think that is all it has to be,” they say wisely.
As for representation and inclusivity more broadly, Millie isn’t sure they have all the answers, but their take is uplifting.
“Is there room for improvement? Yes. Do I want more? Yes. I don’t have all the answers, but as I’ve become one of these ‘older than the average’ gamers (again, ooft) taking up space is part of the process.
“I’ve found that the folks who don’t want representation, or inclusivity are typically bad at what they’re doing. And they don’t want to let more people in because then everyone will see them for what they are.
“So, you be you, and don’t feel bad for being excited about things you love, take up some space and fill it with joy.”
Invisible Rules
Part of Millie’s approach is to create the content that represents them. They have written several short RPGs as well as supplemental content for others. I asked Millie how they got into it – by accident, they said. Starting a with small one-page competition and building from there, Millie now has several games for sale.
Millie ended our interview with an uplifting anecdote. They talk about a show they saw at the Edinburgh Fringe called A Shark Ate My Penis by Lazer Webber, and how the performer details the invisible rules that stopped him from realising who he was.
“All of the saddest moments in my life have been when I’ve let these invisible rules stop me. The invisible rule says I can’t tell anyone about what’s happening at home. The invisible rules say I can’t wear a skirt because skirts are for girls and I’m not sure that I am, and so on and so
on. And all my greatest moments of joy have come when I’ve ignored these invisible rules. The invisible rules say only guys can be the Dungeon Master, but I did it anyway. That it’s not safe for you to go to events by myself, but I did it anyway. That I shouldn’t start a business doing a weird thing like a board games cafe, but I did it anyway.
“Don’t let the invisible rules spoil your joy, and by choosing joy, you are changing the way the world sees you and that is enough.”
You can find Millie’s RPGs on DriveThru RPG.
Featured image credit: Millie Lavelle
Student journalist & freelance writer
