Content Warning: This article contains talks of topics such as self-harm, antidepressants and suicide that readers may find upsetting.
For the last eight years, or more specifically since I was 13, I have been on six different antidepressants, and now I am cold turkey, completely relying on my brain to start working again.
It started when I was 13 when I had my first ever intrusive thought, my introduction to the wicked world of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and all the wonderful symptoms that came along with it, eventually causing me to become depressed.
Now as any parent would, my mum and dad became concerned, I stopped eating, sleeping, going to school, and even showering.
So I was put forward to CAMHS who couldn’t prescribe any sort of antidepressants without a referral and weekly observation by a psychiatrist because I was only 13.
By this age, I was none the wiser about what antidepressants were, and what they do to the brain, but I was willing to try anything to feel better.
Sertraline
So I got fast-tracked into the big world of antidepressants, my starter medication being sertraline, usually the NHS’s first “go-to” medication for OCD and depression.
It was such a hazy time I can’t remember what dose they put me on, but by the end, I was on 100mg; again, at 13 years old.
Now I know I’m not special, most people I have met who struggle with depression or any mental illness can tell their experience of being put on tablets at around this age too.
But after a couple of months of just my starter dose of 50mg, it wasn’t working. I became angry, and manic at times, often falling in and out of my friendships and at wits end with my family.
“let’s try something else.” is a common quote from any GP visit in the last eight years.
Fluoxetine
Still at CAMHS and around 15 years old, the psychiatrist decided to give Fluoxetine a go, pumping my brain with more SSRIs.
Fluoxetine was one of the worst medications I ever tried, its teal and green capsules gave them an almost cartoony, tame look, which made me think “Oh these might just work”. But instead, I became a robot.
I can handle a lot of the side effects of antidepressants, nausea, diarrhoea, and dizziness, it was like a Saturday night for me, but I could not handle the apathy.
I became a husk of a person, I could not cry anymore, which you may think “Isn’t that a good thing?” but at the time my mum and dad were splitting up and I could not process the emotions that come with divorcing parents.
Unable to even laugh or smile anymore, which even though I was depressed and having constant intrusive thoughts, I still enjoyed doing.
I was on Fluoxetine for about two and a half years, before I decided to give tablets a brief intermission.
Paroxetine
Then came university, my boxes were packed, and my mum was crying even though I was an hour down the M8. I was so excited to have my own space and independence.
It was around semester two, seasonal affective disorder had taken its toll on me and I had my first ever shitty boyfriend. I became more and more anxious and decided to go back to the doctor.
This time around it was a GP I had phoned about tablets, he was less caring about how I felt, and I didn’t get the usual probing questions like “Have you self-harmed in the last month?” or “Are you planning on killing yourself?”.
The doctor just dished them out like tic tacs to me.
Paroxetine, after doing my research is one of the most potent SSRIs on the market, and with it came a whole whiplash of side effects weekly.
I walked around campus looking like I had just taken ecstasy.
Image credit: Dawson Dallimore
After about six months of Paroxetine, I decided they were just making me nauseous, I started losing hope, no tablets had worked so far.
I decided to come off them without telling the doctor. It was hell for about two weeks of trying by myself, I got constant brain zaps, this feeling of someone shaking my head, and I couldn’t keep any food down.
Citalopram
In year two at university, I felt like a new person, I had a new boyfriend, who brought me so much happiness, love and support. But I still wasn’t feeling 100%.
I had these constant spells of crying, where the smallest things would set me off (e.g. adverts, seeing an older couple in the street etc.).
So I signed up to the doctors on campus, and I had felt seen for the first time in about three years.
They started me on Citalopram, and by the end of 2023, I was on track to the highest dose.
I, unfortunately, started self-harming by this point, which I saw as a relief to the emotions I could not feel anymore after being doped up on antidepressants for so long.
Not to quote The Verve but the drugs definitely don’t work (for me).
Mirtazapine
At the end of last year, I had hit rock bottom, I had been fired from two jobs and lost out on an amazing work opportunity, and my OCD was at an all-time low, consisting of me constantly seeking reassurance and cleaning everything the mind’s eye could see.
I lost sleep and the GP became concerned, so I made the immediate switch to come off of Citalopram and straight onto Mirtazapine, a different kind of antidepressant from the others.
I was oblivious to the fact that I had now jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Having only been on Mirtazapine for about three weeks, I decided to evict them from my brain. They had similar effects to Paroxetine in that they made my pupils abnormally large.
I had night sweats for the full three weeks I was on the tablets, I was still self-harming, and I could not feel a thing like pins and needles were in my bones and my stomach was filled with TV static.
The doctor did not want to leave me with no lifeline, so we tried one more time.
Venlafaxine
Around three weeks ago I started Venlafaxine, which I consider to be the worst of the tablets I have ever tried, my pupils were beyond huge at this point.
My appetite completely disappeared and I had no emotions, left staring at the four blank walls in my bedroom.
My OCD was at its worst, I constantly had to check in on the way I was feeling with everyone around me, my hands were burned and bloody from how much I had been washing them, and I could not sleep without waking up drenched in my sweat.
I decided enough was enough and it was time to finally quit antidepressants.
Blank Slate
Now I am on nothing, It has been a week since I stopped taking tablets (with the doctor’s supervision this time).
Although I feel lasting effects such as apathy, and a bit anhedonic, I am at ease to let my brain have a rest and learn to cope with how am I feeling without the bandaid of pills.
I start therapy this year and am beyond excited to finally get help, and with the love and support of my family and partner I am eager to let this year play out, a blank slate for my mind.
I hope this article does not invoke fear of antidepressants in people, in fact, most of my support system rely on tablets, ones that luckily worked for them, everyone’s brain fortunately works differently.
Now I am starting to feel a bit better about my emotions which are slowly but surely returning (for example, I was so happy that I cried at an Amazon advert last week, a meek reminder that I still have emotions).
For more information about antidepressants, speak to your GP or visit www.nhs.uk
Feature Image credit: Unsplash.com
