What are you, queer?
It’s a funny little word, queer. When I was growing up, my first encounters with the word ‘queer’ were entirely negative – teenagers trying to hurt deliberately but without reason. I didn’t properly come out as not straight until I left home and my small town at 18. I didn’t come out as gender-non-conforming until sometime in my late twenties.
For a long time, I searched for the words that worked for me. No matter how many times people say, “Don’t label yourself”, wanting to have the vocabulary to relate to and understand your own experiences of the world is perfectly understandable and human.
I tried out bisexual for a while. Then I learned from the internet that calling yourself bisexual was transphobic and true trans allies are pansexual, so I went with that for a while. Then I learned even more about biphobia and bi-erasure and the nuances of identity. I am attracted to people because of their specific bodies and personalities, not because of their genders. It felt like once again the world of language, the one that I rely on so heavily as a writer, had failed me in this regard.
I want to note here how crucial it was that I had such open and accepting friends. People who allowed me to change my mind and develop my opinions. I was able to try on a label, find it didn’t work, and put it down again. We should all be so lucky.
When I first realised that my discomfort about my body wasn’t solely due to body dysmorphia and was in some way related to my own internal gender struggles, I tried out the label ‘non-binary’, which felt weird and inadequate. I don’t feel like many of the traditional definitions work for me. Once again, I learned a bit more and have come to understand that non-binary can not only be an identity in itself but also an umbrella term for other labels.
I learned the term genderqueer at some point through a random Reddit post, and it was like the scales fell from my eyes. It just means generally gender non-conforming in some way, which I really like. I have always struggled with authority – why should gender be the one place where I conform?
This started a cascade. The word genderqueer prompted me to think more about the word ‘queer’. Traditionally meaning ‘strange and weird’, its use as part of a compound word here was a bit of a revelation.
I thought more about my sexuality. Why was I trying to force myself into the box of bisexual or pansexual when the word queer was right there? Its meaning is ambiguous and somewhat non-specific, which suits me. Why do I have to paint such a defined label onto something that to me, has always been a matter of fluidity and singular case-by-case decision-making?
A couple of years ago, I was filling in some information for an application, and there was a free-text field for each gender and sexuality. As someone who has previously worked in data, it took me a moment to get over their terrible form design, but when I did, I went right ahead and slammed the word ‘queer’ into both fields.
I felt lighter than I had in years.
The beginning of something new…and queer
It was the dawn of something new and important for me. I finally felt like I had found the right corner of the LGBTQ+ lobby to stand in.
It isn’t without its own issues of course. Most of the time dropdown forms make me generalise in ways I don’t like. People who don’t have a lot of LGBTQ+ people in their lives are perplexed time and again. Some take it with grace. Others less so.
Some LGBTQ+ people really don’t like the word queer. I can’t blame them. When something is used as a weapon against you for a long time it’s hard to see that a hammer can be used for building as well as destruction.
As a genderqueer person, I don’t consider myself to be cisgender. But, it’s easy to fall into the trap of not considering myself as ‘trans enough’. I don’t have any transition goals or worry too much about my gender presentation. I pass extremely easily as cis so imposter syndrome is as much a part of my identity as being queer. It’s something I live with.
I still find it strange when we talk about ‘reclaiming’ the word queer. It sounds so much more deliberate than it was for me. In my case, it was an accidental, stumbling rediscovery more than anything. It’s not like I think my childhood bullies had a point – I just think it’s important to realise that as humans we grow and learn and in so doing we are allowed to change our minds and how we feel about things.
I didn’t realise when I was a kid that I’d grow up to be queer, but now I’ve arrived here, I find it suits me very nicely.
Featured image credit: Canva
Student journalist & freelance writer. Check out Quick Play, where I review video games that are 10 hours or less.
