Everyone is good in bed, right? I have never heard otherwise. However, what happens when you cannot perform in the way you would like to?
Imagine you have waited for a while, and you finally want to have sex with your partner. Everything is perfect, you are in the mood but suddenly: it just doesn´t fit.
That is Vaginismus. According to the NHS: “Vaginismus is the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration.” The muscles of the vagina tighten up automatically.
My mother has always been open about the problems in her life. Showing vulnerability as a parent can be daunting but it helps you connect with your children. Intimate chats over tea have been a big part of my upbringing.
My mum grew up in Turkey. Especially in her generation, sex was something that you have once you get married. Imagine the pressure, of not being sexually active at all and then having to perform from one day to another.
She explains: “When we tried to be intimate on our wedding night, I noticed quickly that something was not going right. Even though I was not too nervous, I felt everything tensing up.”
Afterwards, my parents went to the gynaecologist. The doctor said that vaginal struggles were something common among women that decide to have sex at a later age. Although, it can even occur if you have previously had penetrative sex.
She sips on her tea: “I think the most traumatic part about this was that my hymen had to be broken by the doctor. Having to say ´no´ to my husband frequently was hurtful as well.”
She also talks about her own insecurities: “Sex is an intimate thing. With recurring difficulties on my side, I often had the feeling of being the problem.
Therapy has been a key factor in my development. Learning more about the subject, educating myself and having open conversations about it was liberating.”
Therapy gives you tools to work on the problem and helps you to understand the subconscious problem beneath.
“I believe that talking about taboo topics is important for everyone involved. It makes younger people aware of problems that they may encounter, and it helps others that might be going through something similar feel less alone.”
In the end, sex is not about performing at all. Understanding that there is a problem and working on it alone or with a professional can be the first step to healing.
Have you ever heard of Vaginismus before this? I would love to hear about your experiences.
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