While this is being typed out I am sitting with a bloated stomach, mild abdominal pain, a little bit of nausea, and my skin is somehow crusty and oily at the same time. The punchline is that my period has not even started yet. It is in moments like these where it can be extremely difficult to love your body.
At times it feels like my body is fighting a battle against me. I’ve never hated it enough to be under the impression that there was something wrong with me, but if you asked me to write a list of things I am unhappy with I wouldn’t even have to think about the first handful of items I’d change if I could.
A combination of lockdown immobility, widened hips and bigger breasts made it almost impossible, certainly uncomfortable, to button the dress.
It’s like that scene from Fleabag where she and Claire are at a women’s seminar and the speaker says “Please raise your hand, if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called perfect body.” The sisters are the only to raise their hands without a hint of hesitation.
And it’s no surprise when more than 6 out of 10 of both young adults and grown-ups have negative views on their body image, according to a UK study from 2020. The report also found that most people felt worse about their bodies during the coronavirus lockdowns.
Although it’s been some time since the pandemic, it is perhaps from that time that I remember my insecurities settle in me. I was 19 and thought “This is my body!”
I bought a cute little red summer dress just before graduation and I wore it all summer and into uni. And then it stopped fitting me. A combination of lockdown immobility, widened hips and bigger breasts in what felt (and still feels) like a second puberty made it almost impossible, certainly uncomfortable, to button the dress. But I kept it hanging in my closet for nearly two years with the faintest hope that now that I was being more active it would fit me again. I finally let it go last year.
As much as I have come to appreciate the marks on my thighs and the shape of my body, there are still things I do to not infer more negative images of myself. I don’t go on the scales anymore if I can tell that I’m healthy. I don’t believe knowing the number will add any value to my life. Likewise, I also try not to worry about the tags in my clothes because if there is something I know with full certainty it is that there is no consistency in fashion. So, I would rather make my own clothes, not knowing the size tag but knowing that they fit me.
The what-ifs and hypotheticals don’t matter. They not are perfectly imperfect.
One mentality that is difficult to maintain, but perhaps the most important of them all, is remembering that the list I’ve created in my head is just a list. They are things that I cannot change, so I don’t want to think about them. Trading five years of my life for the so-called ‘perfect body’ is not an option, so why keep daydreaming about the future where I fit into the red summer dress again?
There are still attacks coming from all sides, including friendly fire – so now what? I’m not sure, but I think you should keep doing what you do that makes you feel happy and beautiful. It’s a complicated and complex relationship; the body and its owner. That’s the case for many. Like all other relationships it should be nurtured and it changes and there are ups and downs, because nothing is perfect. The what-ifs and hypotheticals don’t matter. They are not perfectly imperfect. I am – and so are you.
Featured Image Credit: Pexels
Fourth year English and Journalism student and Comment editor. Talk to me about fashion, culture, language and media.
