At 21 years old I’ve been put on ADHD medication just after my very rough third year of university has ended. Join me in this recurring column as I talk about the many highs, lows and unexpected twists that medication brings to my student life.
It has been a few weeks since I wrote my last column and it is safe to say that the medication’s honeymoon phase is over. That’s not to say everything has been doom and gloom, in fact it’s quite the opposite.
I went on a lovely trip away to Arran, started working my new job and hit some personal best runs. But I also experienced brain fog’s cruel return, felt my motivation dry up and thus had my dosage upped to 40mg.
Regardless though, I believe these weeks will be very significant when I look back at the start of my new equilibrium.
…Must Come Down
This slump hasn’t come as a great surprise to me.
The first week on the meds was a high like no other as my brain chemistry was rewritten and everything I wanted to achieve suddenly seemed possible. The next few weeks were defined by an otherworldly level of motivation as things seemed to be actually achievable because I no longer had a massive weight around my mind pulling me down.
But now, the honeymoon period is over and the rose tinted glasses have come off. That sounds like a lot of doom and gloom, which it sort of is- but it isn’t the end of the world.
I am experiencing a bit of brain fog again but it is nothing compared to what I used to deal with. I can still do all of my daily activities including workouts, cleaning, dishes and food shopping which is a massive improvement over my pre-medicated self. The drying up of motivation on the other hand is obviously understandable as so much of my newfound motivational wellspring was based on the novelty of my suddenly functional brain.
However novelty, like willpower, is finite and will never be able to sustain you as your sole motivating factor for any length of time.
But that does not mean that all is lost.
Time to step up
It’s quite the contrary, actually.
This is a defining moment in the medication journey where you have to step up and take charge of your own mind. For the first few weeks the meds essentially make you thrive and make you be better. But now, that’s on you.
This is an incredibly nerve wracking and intimidating concept to consider for me as when my success and development has been left to me in the past it has either been an incredibly frustrating and soul destroying battle or I’ve just entirely crashed and burned.
But not this time. I refuse to just roll over and admit defeat or accept that nothing will ever get better. I’m not going to freak out and have an existential crisis about the future (okay, that’s a lie, I did do that- but it was very brief).
Instead, I’m going to make a plan- well, a series of plans- and I’m going to have goals and things to work towards and structure and hope and-
And things are going to work out.
I know they will. I am going to make them work out.
No matter what, I’m not going back to paralytic brain fog and waiting for a miracle to make things better.
Never again.
What a way to make a living
Outside of my internal development aka my existential crisis, there has also been a significant change in my external life. I started my job and so far, so good. The structure that a job has given my life has been wonderful for me, as structure always is.
Additionally, I have not struggled at all with the work, picking up the role very quickly and not feeling anywhere near as fatigued as I used to after a day of work. Remembering how to do things and dealing with customers all comes so much easier now it’s like my brain has been lubricated.
It hasn’t been entirely without its struggles, of course. I have been repeatedly waking up much too early as I’m paranoid that I’ll sleep in. That isn’t a new issue for me as it has happened with most new jobs and will likely go away in time. The only true issue is that now that I have work to be getting to I have less time in the mornings to do my morning floor workout.
However, this is a microscopic issue in the grand scheme of things so overall the job has been great for me in terms of health, structure and bank balance. While it may be quite draining, especially at first, the medication has made work so much more manageable so for that I am very thankful.
I’m still totally wiped out after a full work day but hey, who isn’t?
Upping The Dosage
So yeah, due to the sort of diminishing returns of the medication I’ve had my dosage upped from 30 milligrams to 40 milligrams.
Initially, I assumed that my body had simply been getting used to the medication but apparently that is scientifically impossible. According to my clinician, the brain cannot get used to the stimulant in any way that results in building up a tolerance. Which likely means that we just have not found my perfect dosage yet.
I’ve been on the upped dosage for two weeks now and I have not really noticed a massive difference.
I suppose there has been slightly less brain fog but nothing revolutionary. The price of the medication is relatively similar and the professional seems to think it will help so I’m inclined to give it a chance.
At the very least it doesn’t make anything worse- so what’s the harm?
Is this Equilibrium?
This is sort of an anti-climactic way to end things off but that is actually quite fitting this time.
I haven’t had some grand revelation about myself or a life changing shift in my brain chestry.
I’ve just, been.
I suppose I have now settled into my new normal, completed my hero’s journey and established a new equilibrium. That doesn’t necessarily mean things won’t change in the future, the only thing certain about the future is uncertainty after all.
But for now I’m going to try and embrace this equilibrium, try to find some comfort in it rather than just being unsettled by things being okay like I usually do.
However, if anything changes I will be sure to write another column about it here to complain about my journey with ADHD medication.
Featured Image Credit: Elliot Johnston
Features Editor and Head of Podcasting.
Fourth-year Journalism and Politics student.
Primarily focus of Politics, Technology, Gaming and Pop-Culture
