Brains are weird, huh?
For 21 years, I have struggled to be a functional human being, but now my life has been entirely changed – and all it took was a tiny 30mg pill.
It is totally life-changing but also uniquely frustrating in a way I wasn’t quite expecting.
The Life-Changing First Dose
When I took my first stimulant, it was 9 AM, and my final project was due at 12. I had 1200 out of 2500 words, half the references I needed and no bibliography – a daunting task to say the least.
I got to the library at five minutes past nine and everything changed.
My mind was still; there weren’t a million unrelated, incoherent thoughts firing off in my brain, and the idea of sitting down at my laptop and working didn’t seem at all daunting.
And when I sat down, everything just flowed so easily.
In two hours, I wrote 1400 words, gathered ten references, proofread, compiled a bibliography and submitted the assignment.
It wasn’t even that difficult, as for weeks I had sat in front of a blank document struggling to get my brain cells together enough to write a single word, but the knowledge was all there; it just needed a push.
What was craziest for me, though, wasn’t even how much I was able to produce or even the fact that what I wrote was half-decent. No, what was truly unbelievable was that I was able to pick up my phone, respond to a text immediately and then put the phone down and get back to work.
Now, I understand that to many of you, that may not sound like a revolutionary action, but to many neurodiverse people, it’s completely unthinkable to be able to do something like that. It is genuinely life-changing.
But finishing the assignment was not the only thing I did on that first dosage, once I got home, I was even more productive, to both the shock and horror of my flatmates.
As soon as I got in the door I immediately cleaned all of the dishes, a task I had been putting off for the better part of a week, and as soon as that was done I hoovered the full house just because it needed to be done.
The ability to just start tasks and be able to move fluidly to a new one as soon as the previous task is finished is genuinely life-changing, although I could have done without the literal jaw drops from my flatmates at the sight of me doing chores but I suppose for putting up with me for so long I’d say they’ve earned that much.
I did achieve a few other things that day, but by four o’clock I was shattered and had hit a wall. I don’t know if that was because of the stimulants or just because I hadn’t been sleeping thanks to the assignment.
Regardless, I achieved more in that first day than I have achieved in the last three weeks which, on the one hand, is brilliant and means that I can do so much now but it is also disheartening knowing that my whole all I needed to turn everything around was 30mg and I will probably never be able to live without it.
The Rest of Week One
For the rest of the week, I was not quite as consistent as one would hope on a new medication, as I skipped my dosage on both days two and four.
In retrospect, this is probably not the best thing to do when your body is adjusting to a new stimulant, but I had some alcohol-based plans to celebrate finishing my third year, and I was told not to drink on the stimulants, so I just skipped the dosage.
Day three was much like day one, productive as hell and feeling great, but unfortunately, that trend did not hold.
The back half of the week was actually quite disheartening as I felt my newfound attention span slip away and be replaced by the old familiar brain fog.
While this development was quite soul-destroying, it was thankfully short-lived as it turned out there was a simple solution to that issue in the form of a slightly bigger breakfast – who knew?
Anyway, I’ll get more into that next week.
Lifechanging? Yes. Kind of Disparaging? Also Yes.
So, looking back on the week, it has been utterly life-changing.
I can now just do all the things I need to do, maintain a good routine, fluidly move from task to task without getting sidetracked and even start some projects that have been floating in the back of my mind for months (this column included).
But there has also been a more unexpected effect, which is not quite as fun, and I don’t just mean the caffeine withdrawals. No, what I’m referring to is a deep and disheartening weight that is difficult to define; it almost feels like a sense of loss.
Not loss in the sense that the medication has taken something from me, but more like a feeling of grief for all the years I have lost, for all the things I could have done and could have been if I had just had this medication earlier.
The entire course of my life could have been completely different, and all it would have taken was 30mg of a hot pink stimulant.
I try not to wallow in hypotheticals, but in this case, I can’t help it. The weight of the what-if is too great and too disparaging.
Beyond that, I have also accepted that I am probably going to need to be on some manner of stimulant for the rest of my life if I want to be a functioning member of society and I can accept that as, despite my hatred of being dependent of medication, the effects of these stimulants are too transformative to live without.
To wrap up, the first week on ADHD stimulants has genuinely changed my life for the better in a way that is difficult to truly articulate, but it has come alongside an overwhelming feeling akin to grief that I did not expect and honestly don’t know how to handle.
Regardless, I will keep on taking the stimulants, and I will keep on writing this column, so I hope you’ll come back and join me again next week to read more about my journey with ADHD medication.
My Student Journey with ADHD Medication is Braw Magazine’s new column, following writer Elliot’s journey: “At 21 years old, I’ve been put on ADHD medication just after my very rough third year of university has ended. Join me in this recurring column as I talk about the many highs, lows and unexpected twists that medication brings to my student life.”
Featured Image Credit: Pexels.com
Features Editor and Head of Podcasting.
Fourth-year Journalism and Politics student.
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