Agony Auncle: My partner wants me to move in but I’m not ready

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Question: My partner is concerned that my inability to drive will impact on our relationship (it’s a 100-mile gap) and therefore wants me to commit to moving to their hometown instead. I feel like I can’t leave all my stuff though that I’ve built up over 4 years of uni for one person. I’d need to start from scratch, and I don’t see why I couldn’t just commute or video chat with them instead. Am I being unreasonable? Surely our relationship can survive a 100-mile distance if we both share an interest in the relationship? I don’t want to appear non-committed but I think it would make me slightly uncomfortable to be so reliant on their own social circle until I find my own over time and if the relationship doesn’t work, I’ve moved 100 miles away from my other friends or family to support me.

Answer: You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Frankly, it’s a bit presumptuous of your partner to think you will just up and leave everything behind for them alone! I’m sure you care for them a great deal, but you have a life outside of your relationship – which is very healthy and normal – and your partner should respect that.

Long distance relationships can work if you both put the effort in. Spending time apart can make you appreciate each other even more. Commuting and chatting online are very valid forms of staying in touch. Also, what really is the difference between you driving to visit them and you taking public transport? Public transport might take a bit longer, but you still get to see them at the end of the day. I don’t see any reason why you not driving would specifically impact the relationship.

woman wearing mask on train
Image credit: Anna Shvets on

You should not feel pressured to move if it’s not something you 100% want to do. Moving in with your partner before you’re ready to will most likely have a damaging impact on your relationship. This is a big step and is not something that should be rushed. To me it sounds like you’re the opposite of non-committed – you’re thinking about your relationship in the long term, not just the here and now.

So, start a dialogue with your partner. Why are they so insistent for you to move in? Are they afraid of losing you? Take time to fully listen to one another and try to find a compromise. Again, if they keep pushing you to move in, don’t do it just to make them happy. Then you will both end up very unhappy.

Last year I wrote about five things you should consider before moving in with a partner. You could try discussing some of these points together.

I hope things work out for you.

-Agony Auncle

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, just a student giving out advice for fun. I don’t claim any responsibility for the outcomes of the situations submitted to me.

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Featured Image Credit: Ciara Tait

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Film, media and journalism student. I like writing about my inability to eat gluten.

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